Spring Cleaning

When I was in high school, I had a youth pastor ask me why I held onto relationships so tightly, he asked why I couldn't just let go. At the time, I gave a "that's what makes me such a good friend" speech. I would hold onto relationships/people even if they were not good for me or I gave far more than I received. I would convince myself it was because I was a "good" person and that I was giving them an example of what a good friend is. That maybe, one day, they would realize what a good friend I was and become the same to me. As I got older, I thought how young and foolish I was to hold onto those high school friends so tightly. I wondered how many months and years I spent trying to be good friends to people that had since vanished out of my life. How many tears did I shed on those people that I wanted so desperately to turn around and see me waiting in the wings. If I had it to do over again, would I spend that much energy on those types of relationships?
In my young adulthood, unbeknownst to me, that pattern continued as I dated men that did not treat me right, and became friends with people that took much more than they gave. It seemed like I was constantly disappointed in someone that had let me down. At that point in my life, I became more self aware. I started treating myself the way I wished those friends and boyfriends would treat me. I started scheduling out time for myself, taking myself to the movies, going out to eat by myself. This proved to be a HUGE leap in my life. But, some of life's lessons have many layers. While I was scratching the surface of this, there was still more. Unfortunately, becoming older does not always make us wiser when it comes to repeating patterns. Experience does not necessarily give us a discerning eye. I believe that can only come when the root of an issue is discovered.
Not too long ago, my Dad passed away. In that comes a lot of reflection. The relationship with my Dad was very complex. I was, in my judgement, another girl on his way to a boy. I did not matter to him. He did not see me. Yet, I continued to place myself in front of him, begging for him to see me, to matter to him. I bent over backwards "doing" things for him for him so he would have to acknowledge I had value to him. He died having never seen me, him never acknowledging that I mattered or had value to him. Epiphany! Only now can I see that the reason I held on so tightly to all those other people and relationships was because the one person who was supposed to be there to hold me, never even flexed his hand to get a grip, let alone hold on tight.
So now, I am faced with some relationships that are repeating that same pattern for me. The question of "if I had it to do over again" has become a reality. Now that I have seen this pattern in my life, I can no longer ignore it. It is time for me to let go of the proverbial "skinny jeans"....the things and relationships in my life that no longer fit. Whether clutter or relationships, the psychological need to hold onto things is rarely about "stuff" or the relationships they represent. It comes down to fear. Fear of losing memories, fear about the future, or a fear of lack. NONE of those are healthy emotions to have playing in your body, mind, or soul. Law of Attraction says that emotions, actions, words, and thoughts manifest into reality. When I cling onto those relationships, rooted in fear, it only brings more of that into my life.
I am making a conscious effort to remove those relationships from my life. Whether it be a family member, or a friend, I am now going to put those boundaries around myself and stop waiting in the wings for them to notice and value me. I am going to treat myself with the same kindness and love that I wished they had shown me. When I can do this, I will start attracting relationships/friendships into my life that are genuine and equal. Now that I have seen the root of this emotional hording, I can finally get rid of the clutter that are those relationships.
Spring cleaning here I come!

What do you see?

While hiking at the lake close to our house, we saw the pink light there on the bottom in the bushes. My sweet girls think it is a wood fairy. What do you think?

Hair Trouble

A word of wisdom...never dye your hair black after your father has died.
Yup, I know it is wisdom that would seem pretty random and should seem pretty obvious, but I just wanted to let you know.
When my Dad died, my hair was REALLY needing a color job, but with everything that needed to get done for the funeral and such, I went to my Dad's funeral with insanely grey hair and mouse brown roots. Oh well.

I had to change the picture to black and white because the roots were seriously just that bad.
When the company my hubby was working for closed and thus, we weren't moving to Florida, I needed a change. I needed to feel like I had some control over something. So I went to my hair god and got about 8-10 inches cut off my hair.

I should have changed this one into black and white just out of self pride, but I don't think you could truly appreciate how BAD the root and gray situation is unless you see it in color.
Great cut, but the color...the color was still just BAD. I wanted to go dark dark espresso brown with a blue streak. Something fun, funky, and different. However, seeing that the damn company my husband worked for shut down with 2 hours notice through an email with no severance package, I thought it would be mighty irresponsible of me to go spend $120 to get my hair colored. So, that drab, hideous color stayed put.
Fast forward several weeks, while my hubby was training in Las Vegas and I was wandering aimlessly at Super Target, I thought it a great idea to grab a box of hair color and just go for the dark hair. 25 minutes later, I was rinsing "soft black" Nice and Easy out of my hair. (((gulp))) Man that water is running awfully dark. I looked in the mirror, and I appeared to have an oil slick on top of my head! Surely it won't be that bad once I blew it dry and styled it. Yeah, not a chance. It was black....black, black, black. I tried using harsh shampoo and giving it some time to fade, but it just never did.
Once I got to North Carolina, the only thing that changed about the black was that I now had about 1 1/2 inches of mousey brown and gray roots going on. So, trying to be "financially responsible", I decided, I better go to Sally's and get some professional level dye to get the black lifted a bit. I picked out a medium brown, almost a chocolate looking color. Again, fast forward 25 minutes, the color that was rinsing out was glorious. I was so happy to get the black out of my hair! With a blow dry and style later....I saw the black did not budge, at all. My hair was just as black as before...didn't change a bit, well except for the beautiful chocolate brown color my roots were. Now, I looked like a cheetah. Seriously?!?!

Can you even believe the cheetahlicious mess?!?!
After a couple of weeks hiding under hats and wearing ponytails, I conceded, and my Colorado hair god agreed, that the only way to get the black out was to cut it out. Before I had spent the last years and years growing out my hair, I had a fun spiky pixie cut that made me feel fun and funky. That would be the cut I would get! So, I scoured the websites of area salons. Seeing I don't know anyone yet to ask for a good hair person, I was looking for that website that showed that funky cool place to go. I found a place, I called and made an appointment for Saturday. Excitedly, I went to get my haircut. I sat down in the chair, explained what I wanted, and as luck would have it, a lady sat down next to me who had the EXACT hair I wanted. Little did I know, I should have got up out of the chair...my bad. My hair is now insanely short on the sides and back...in fact, my husband's hair might be longer. I think once it grows out a month or so, it will be able to be fixed to what I wanted. Just pisses me off because the EXACT hair I wanted was sitting in the chair next to me....GRRRR! I think my curls freaked her out and instead of using product and blow dry, she just kept cutting. The good news is that the lady who was next to me (you know the hair I was coveting) has the same texture, original color, and curls I do, so I know the cut will work great. She had her hair colored blonde.....blonde, blonde, all over, like platinum blonde. So, I think once this grows out more, that will be the color I go for. It looked fabulous! It made the cut even more fun, plus, as a bonus, it hid her grays really well.
I could get all "after school special" and draw the parallels between my bad hair drama to dealing with grief, demanding control, and desired outcome...but I won't. I am too busy pouting.

PAINT!

This year for Solstice, I received painting gear. I have NEVER painted nor do I consider myself an artist...I mean, come on, I can't even draw stick people. That being said, I wanted to push myself and do something completely out of my comfort zone, bring in the painting. I LOVE orbs...I see them everywhere! I believe they are a reminder that those we love never leave us. It amazes me to see pictures of people and places with the orbs hanging around them. So, I was inspired to paint orbs. So , I present to you my orb!

"If you hear a voice within you say, 'You are not a painter,' then by all means paint...and that voice will be silenced."- Vincent Van Gogh
My challenge to you, allow inspiration to push you past your fear, silence that voice...PAINT!

Long Distance Information

Not many people outside of my family know that my Dad used to sing in a band called Squad 4. It was a group of Denver police officers that would play concerts in uniform. That is him, in the middle, top row. I guess to get the entertainment and security all in one swoop. : ) Granted, this was mostly before my time. My Dad was on stage singing when my Mom walked through the door of the ballroom, her beauty stunned him so much that he lost his place in the song, at least that is how the story goes. In fact, it was on stage that my Dad proposed to my Mom 38 years ago on New Year's Eve. My older sisters have TONS of memories of my Dad singing in the band. I don't have any, at all. The only memory I had was a tape that the band made that had a couple of songs on it. I used to listen to that black demo tape over and over again. The tape has been long since lost and the only song I remember from the tape, I didn't even know the name of. "Cause my Uncle took the message and he wrote it on the wall...." I knew the tune, couldn't place most of the lyrics, but that was the ONLY song I remembered of my Dad singing and had never heard it sung anywhere else.

On Saturday, we were grocery shopping at Trader Joe's. There in the middle of the frozen food, looking at some fried rice, did I hear a familiar beat and tune. Stunned, I closed my eyes so that I could block out all the weekend shopping noise and concentrate on the song...."Long distance information, give me Memphis, Tennessee. Help me find the party who tried to get in touch with me. I do not know the number but I know who placed the call, 'cause my Uncle took the message and he wrote it one the wall...." It was it! It was the song! My special little "hello" from my Dad! Tears streaming down my face and people looking at me like I was nuts, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was him!

When I got home and looked up the name of the song and who sang it, I also found the lyrics. The song is about a father trying to get in touch with his daughter. Could there be a more perfect song for the journey he and I are taking together now?!

So, here we are, a little diddy from my daddy :)

A Blue Moon...

Did you see the Blue Moon last night? Unfortunately, we were under some pretty heavy fog to see it...or anything else for that matter. I think it is so cool that a Blue Moon ushered out 2009...an 11 year. 11 year, full of endings, new beginnings, changes, opportunity, balance.

At the beginning of this year, I was convinced this was going to be a life changing year for me. After all, my birthday was on 9/9/09 this year, any person who looks at numbers would see this as very significant! It was life changing....it really was, though not in the way I had hoped it would be.

2009 has been the most difficult year of my life.

It started actually right before the Christmas of 2008. Way too much drama with my family....parents and siblings that is, not husband and kiddos.
In April, after a self imposed hiatus of dealing with the drama, the drama hiatus came to a screeching halt. I was driving to the airport to pick up my baby brother and got a phone call from my Mother to let me know that my Dad was taken to the emergency room. My brother was also on a drama hiatus, but with orders having been handed down to move overseas, he decided to confront the drama head on. It is amazing how the timing worked out on this one. No one, aside from me, knew he was flying in. The wheels of my brother's plane were literally touching down as the wheels of my father's gurney was being pushed into the operating room to perform emergency surgery to drain fluid that had built up around his heart.

The next morning, my brother and I went to the hospital. When my Dad caught a glimpse of my brother walking into the Cardiac ICU, he literally went weak in the knees. His son had come home. His son came when his father needed him. His son...the only child that mattered to him...was there, all was forgiven. The next week that followed was like a masochistic show. My relationship with my Dad was never a good one, but I guess I had hoped that this near death experience, one of SEVERAL through his life, would show him that I was here too. That I was by his side, I loved him and I desperately wanted to hear that he loved me too...that I mattered to him. But it was my brother that he wanted and craved to be around. It was my brother he had by his side when he was told he had terminal lung cancer that would claim his life in 6 months...maybe 10 with treatment.

The next several months were filled with many attempts to BE something to my Dad. For my Dad to see me, for my Dad to find some value in me and my life. The only thing he wanted me to do was to help find alternative treatments when he decided to not go through conventional treatment. So, I threw myself at that with gusto, however, he did not go that route either.

Sometime in May, my husband and I decided that we wanted to move. We had talked about it for quite a while and tossed around many areas before, but this time it was different. We had our heart set on moving to the coast in North Carolina, though neither of us had ever been there. We researched everything for a week before we bothered to see if his company even had an office there. Turns out, they didn't. We were disappointed, but the desire to move was still as strong. Out of the choices we had, we put in for a transfer to Tampa, FL. By the end of May, we had the go-ahead and had a move date of August 27th. We had everything lined up and planned out. We were moving out of our house the end of July and staying at the in-laws house while they were in Ireland for 3 weeks. Garage sales, packing, downsizing, organizing, and cleaning made June and the first part of July fly by.

July 13th, a Monday night that left me tired and exhausted from packing, my mom called to let me know that my Dad's Dr.'s appointment didn't go well, in fact, the Dr. gave him a couple more weeks. The Dr. wanted him to go to hospice, a place my Dad SWORE he would never go, just for a few days to straighten out his medication and to make his last couple weeks comfortable. An hour later I walked into my Dad's hospice room to find him asleep in a recliner chair. My sister took me outside and told me that once they got to the hospice, the staff there only gave him a couple days at the most, but he could go within a few hours. He was at the end. He was sleeping in a chair, a position I had seen him in more times that I could count, but he wouldn't wake up. They basically, in my view, put him down...put him under. He would not awake again.

My husband immediately got on the phone with the red cross to arrange my brother's travel. The Red Cross knew they had to get him home, even before he knew himself. My brother was able to make it from Germany before my Dad passed away.

Everyone was able to say goodbye as my Dad slept. Except me, I told him to come see me soon. He passed over early in the morning on July 17th.

The weeks that followed were filled with funeral arrangements, funerals, trying to be there and comfort my Mom and brother...and of course, packing. Remember the whole, moving out of our house the end of July?! In a way, the busyness of that time kept me from allowing the sorrow to pull me under. I packed, worked, cleaned and left behind far more than a house.

The following week, once all the business of the house was taken care of and we had a chance for some down time before the big move, I got a phone call from my husband that he had just received an email that his company was being shut down, immediately. I went numb. How in the heck could that happen?! I had just lost my Dad, we were living at the in-laws house out of suitcases with everything else we owned in a POD. It took about 7 weeks for a great job offer to come through, and then he got 2 within 4 hours of each other...ironically, just 2 weeks after my 9/9/09 birthday. Another 5 weeks after that (he had to go to training in Las Vegas during that time), we were on the road to North Carolina.

We have been here in North Carolina for about 2 months now, but it feels like so much longer. We LOVE our new home. Our souls were welcomed to this magical, warm place. The nurturing energy is exactly what I need right now.

I look back on this year and am in complete and total shock of all that happened in relatively short amount of time. While the turmoil, for the most part, is over, I now find myself in a slumber of sorts. I finally have the space and the breathing room to heal and decompress from the chaos my body, mind, and heart went through this past year. In a way, it reminds me somewhat of where my Dad is at. I know he is on the other side in a restful state of sorts...cocooning, healing, letting love and light permeate the scars of this life. Ironic that though we seemed to always be at the opposite ends of the spectrum that we are doing the same thing right now, just on different levels.

So how is that for the 11 year showing me endings, new beginnings, changes, opportunity, and balance?! How did this 11 year effect you? Can you see the changes that happened this year were necessary to what is coming in 2010 and beyond? Have you thanked the universe for all the endings, new beginnings, changes, opportunities, and balance that you experienced in 2009? I would encourage you to take some time today to not only set your intentions for this upcoming year, but to thank the year that just passed for the wisdom that it shared with you.
Hope your upcoming year is filled with MUCH love, health, and happiness - XOXO