When I was in high school, I had a youth pastor ask me why I held onto relationships so tightly, he asked why I couldn't just let go. At the time, I gave a "that's what makes me such a good friend" speech. I would hold onto relationships/people even if they were not good for me or I gave far more than I received. I would convince myself it was because I was a "good" person and that I was giving them an example of what a good friend is. That maybe, one day, they would realize what a good friend I was and become the same to me. As I got older, I thought how young and foolish I was to hold onto those high school friends so tightly. I wondered how many months and years I spent trying to be good friends to people that had since vanished out of my life. How many tears did I shed on those people that I wanted so desperately to turn around and see me waiting in the wings. If I had it to do over again, would I spend that much energy on those types of relationships?
In my young adulthood, unbeknownst to me, that pattern continued as I dated men that did not treat me right, and became friends with people that took much more than they gave. It seemed like I was constantly disappointed in someone that had let me down. At that point in my life, I became more self aware. I started treating myself the way I wished those friends and boyfriends would treat me. I started scheduling out time for myself, taking myself to the movies, going out to eat by myself. This proved to be a HUGE leap in my life. But, some of life's lessons have many layers. While I was scratching the surface of this, there was still more. Unfortunately, becoming older does not always make us wiser when it comes to repeating patterns. Experience does not necessarily give us a discerning eye. I believe that can only come when the root of an issue is discovered.
Not too long ago, my Dad passed away. In that comes a lot of reflection. The relationship with my Dad was very complex. I was, in my judgement, another girl on his way to a boy. I did not matter to him. He did not see me. Yet, I continued to place myself in front of him, begging for him to see me, to matter to him. I bent over backwards "doing" things for him for him so he would have to acknowledge I had value to him. He died having never seen me, him never acknowledging that I mattered or had value to him. Epiphany! Only now can I see that the reason I held on so tightly to all those other people and relationships was because the one person who was supposed to be there to hold me, never even flexed his hand to get a grip, let alone hold on tight.
So now, I am faced with some relationships that are repeating that same pattern for me. The question of "if I had it to do over again" has become a reality. Now that I have seen this pattern in my life, I can no longer ignore it. It is time for me to let go of the proverbial "skinny jeans"....the things and relationships in my life that no longer fit. Whether clutter or relationships, the psychological need to hold onto things is rarely about "stuff" or the relationships they represent. It comes down to fear. Fear of losing memories, fear about the future, or a fear of lack. NONE of those are healthy emotions to have playing in your body, mind, or soul. Law of Attraction says that emotions, actions, words, and thoughts manifest into reality. When I cling onto those relationships, rooted in fear, it only brings more of that into my life.
I am making a conscious effort to remove those relationships from my life. Whether it be a family member, or a friend, I am now going to put those boundaries around myself and stop waiting in the wings for them to notice and value me. I am going to treat myself with the same kindness and love that I wished they had shown me. When I can do this, I will start attracting relationships/friendships into my life that are genuine and equal. Now that I have seen the root of this emotional hording, I can finally get rid of the clutter that are those relationships.
Spring cleaning here I come!
